Things I've noticed

I've noticed changes, it's not really even a bodily change as a psychological change. When I don't work out, I feel more tired. I don't drink enough water, I feel groggy. I'm grumpy, I tend to be mad at myself. I can be watching a movie and think, "I should do some crunches or something." But I never do. This is my problem, my addiction, my war. And yet, i can't help thinking, "I wish I had someone to fight it with." I had eating disorders earlier as a teen. Bulimia, then later what I called "fasting". No one really knew because I didn't let them. They knew about the "fasting" but it was 7 days long. then 7 days of eating, then 7 days not eating. Then I got married and depression hit, I haven't really come out of it. I started to put on weight, first because of my pregnancy, then because of depression. Who wants to work out and be skinny when you're being abused? I'm abused now, the difference is though, that I am the one abusing me. I eat in the morning cereal or something, then a snack at some point, then again at noontime, and more snacking, then at dinnertime, and more snacking. I had a trainer, but I think trainers are very belittling. They like working with obese people because it looks good on their resume. I really and truly feel that way. Sometimes I need a drill instructor in my face, and I realize that as obese people we need to be pushed, but I have such resentment for trainers. When I've lost weight, it has to be that I did it. Someone else can't take credit for it. And if these people really want to fight obesity, they'd do it without breaking us all. Single mom working my butt off y'all. I watched a new episode of "Heavy" today and one thing did stick in my mind. We have to re learn things. We have to relearn how to eat, how to exercise right, how to take care of ourselves. Fad diets don't work. They never have. I'm going to stop thinking I know what I know and re circuit. Every time I look at a new recipe for clean food, or low carb food, or low cal food, I think, "I'd rather have ---insert chosen fatty food here---." THAT is the behavior I have to stop. The yummy greasy fatty food doesn't exist. 75% veggies at a meal, lean protein, and EXERCISE. I want to stop being so lazy!