Things I've noticed

I've noticed changes, it's not really even a bodily change as a psychological change. When I don't work out, I feel more tired. I don't drink enough water, I feel groggy. I'm grumpy, I tend to be mad at myself. I can be watching a movie and think, "I should do some crunches or something." But I never do. This is my problem, my addiction, my war. And yet, i can't help thinking, "I wish I had someone to fight it with." I had eating disorders earlier as a teen. Bulimia, then later what I called "fasting". No one really knew because I didn't let them. They knew about the "fasting" but it was 7 days long. then 7 days of eating, then 7 days not eating. Then I got married and depression hit, I haven't really come out of it. I started to put on weight, first because of my pregnancy, then because of depression. Who wants to work out and be skinny when you're being abused? I'm abused now, the difference is though, that I am the one abusing me. I eat in the morning cereal or something, then a snack at some point, then again at noontime, and more snacking, then at dinnertime, and more snacking. I had a trainer, but I think trainers are very belittling. They like working with obese people because it looks good on their resume. I really and truly feel that way. Sometimes I need a drill instructor in my face, and I realize that as obese people we need to be pushed, but I have such resentment for trainers. When I've lost weight, it has to be that I did it. Someone else can't take credit for it. And if these people really want to fight obesity, they'd do it without breaking us all. Single mom working my butt off y'all. I watched a new episode of "Heavy" today and one thing did stick in my mind. We have to re learn things. We have to relearn how to eat, how to exercise right, how to take care of ourselves. Fad diets don't work. They never have. I'm going to stop thinking I know what I know and re circuit. Every time I look at a new recipe for clean food, or low carb food, or low cal food, I think, "I'd rather have ---insert chosen fatty food here---." THAT is the behavior I have to stop. The yummy greasy fatty food doesn't exist. 75% veggies at a meal, lean protein, and EXERCISE. I want to stop being so lazy!

Clean Eating

Sooooo, I picked up a book of clean eating recipes. Clean eating is going to be tough for me. I LIKE my starches and white sugars and white flour. I like dairy and I LOVE cheese. This clean eating thing is not a part time diet. It's the way we SHOULD eat. Less processed foods, frozen dinners, NO fast food, etc. I just don't know about this. Stupid processed food tastes good. (mostly) I am going to try. I'm very worried, and I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about it. Substituting turkey for beef is not my idea of a substitute. I'm a meat and taters kind of girl. Another big problem I see is that I work 12 and 36 hour shifts and I am EXHAUSTED at the end of the day/shift. The last thing I want to do is have to cook too. I will have to do almost all meals ahead of time for the week, which I hate doing because I never know what I want to eat on any given day. I'm finding EVERY excuse NOT to do this and trying to reign it in and just do it. I will. I can.

I was watching the show on TV called "HEAVY" the other day. I don't know if you've seen it. These obese people (like me) are taken to a "resort" of some kind... my mind said "FAT CAMP"... for one month. They are in Boot Camp type training for that month. I can't help but to think, I could use something like that. I need someone in my face everyday to get me going. I don't have that. I try things, get discouraged, give up. I want to succeed, but I'm having trouble. I want to lose weight, but it is so difficult. And people expect to be able to see things quickly. That's just not realistic. Just because I say I want to lose weight doesn't mean I will. Alrighty, well I am armed with a list and some recipes, and I will see if I can kick it up a bit.

Weekend

Through the weekend I was able to make some healthier choices through my eating habits. more fruits and veggies... One of the issues is that I have a 9 year old in my home... she's super active and skinny and (for now) she burns off everything she eats anyway... Hate to change her whole diet too... excuses excuses... oh for pete's sake... stop judging me. :) LOL I've been doing some of the videos, lifes been getting in the way. Seriously... Me: "Okay mom's gonna workout, so unless it's an emergency just leave me alone for a little bit." Daughter: "Okay mom. I'll just be cleaning my room and doing some laundry." Me: "Okay." 10 minutes later.... (yelling from the laundry room) "Mom? Um... MOOOOOOM!?" Me: "Yes?" Daughter: "Ummm I know you're busy but... I'm stuck." pause Me: "Stuck... where?" Daughter: "Well I was just trying to help and I was pushing the washer and dryer apart and now I can't get out." Me: "Right." Okay, so you see? Now I attempt it again, with directions to leave the laundry alone for now. 15 minutes later "Hi Mom. Whatcha dooin??" Me: "Attempting (pant) to find the (pant pant) geometric structure (pant) for the subatomic (pant pant pant) acceleration of the neurons (pant) physiological make up (pant pant pant)." Daughter: "Okay. What's for lunch?" Maybe it will be best to get up early and get the exercising out of the way. (Sigh) Oh but early this morning i found a really helpful and informative website.... myp90xnutritionplan.com. Love it!

Calories!

Spent some time this morning online with my friend checking out caloric percentages of our favorite fast foods. At one point we had a meal of 2750 calories. We're trying to watch our intake and that was like 3 days of calories. Scary. 3 days of calories in one meal. So far today I had a bowl of Life cereal. It wasn't planned but I did. Sometimes I feel like I have too much going on at once. My ultimate dream job is to be an author. My thoughts are jumbled and frayed and scary. Plus I'm trying to get my health in order. I'm vlogging my body tonight. I'm not posting yet. Not until there are some results. This is scary. I know that once I post one video of my fat self, people will take it and run with it. We've all seen at least one video of obese people doing something gross on Youtube. I don't want to be that. I'm ashamed of my body. I won't lie, but no one is going to make fun of it until I can counter, "but I've lost weight." Oh well. Here I am. Here we go.

Fail blog

Wow, so my last work out was that one Monday with my trainer. Yeah we're well into January now. I find myself cataloging my ailments and fears, and they all lead back to being fat. There is dust on my p90x box. I am seriously unmotivated. I'm tired and I don't want to work out or push myself... I'm just getting fatter and fatter. I have no one to be accountable to either. How amazing. Then you try and google things about obesity and look for tools and low and behold there aren't very many. That has got to change. A lot of Babie doll cutouts saying "I was once where you are." and their before picture is like 20 lbs overweight. I want someone who really and truly knows my fears and failures. People need that. I need that. So, tonight Im going to blow the dust off the box and try try again. Are you with me? Cause here we go.........again.
Weight: FAT hundred lbs
Height: 5'8"

Today I didn't do so well eating wise. I had to work and my client couldn't eat until after her CAT scan so i didn't eithr because I find that rude. After we got a whopper from Burger King and I had a venti strawberries and cream frappucino from Starbucks. I failed. We'll see what (if any) exercise I get done tonight. Later taters!

Epic FAIL!

Ummmm yeah you guessed it, I got distracted and paused this. Okay I got depressed and lazy and unmotivated. That's how the fat kids do it. It's hard and it hurts and I am lazy. Well I got a gym membership (I think my mom tricked me into it) and a personal trainer. I went a few times, thought "Wow I feel fantastic!" and then quit. Yep lazy. So she got ahold of me and said "We need to talk" and now I'm going to try again. Do I want to be a failure? A FAT failure no less? No! I'm gonna try again. And again. And again if need be. Even coming into the Holidays I am confident (today) that I can make it. I'm going to (try) and be accountable... here. I blog on my other blogs fairly regularly. Okay so here we go (again).
Weight: FAT
Height: 5'8"

Here we come Here we go!
I worked out with Hollie (trainer) on Monday morning. I forgot to eat breakfast and was dehydrated and well... it was ugly.

It's Thursday. I...... got up this morning. We'll see if I can do SOMETHING when I get off work. ~jeni

Days 1&2

Well I got p90x and decided to use the fat burner diet guide and am using phase I. 1800 calories a day. Day 1 went well.. Pretty sore and had to break quite a bit but I did okay. Day 2 was a little harder. I had gone to the pool and swam 17 laps and then did the Plyometrics. My legs shook and shook and they hurt so bad. I made it about 30 minutes. I also have a foot condition that makes jumping almost impossible but I did the best I could. I pushed it past what I could comfortably do and managed to work up a healthy sweat. I guess a couple of friends are worried I'm overdoing it. I have to give all I've got or I'm going to get lazy and quit. I also swam 12 laps on day 1. Kept my caloric intake at under 1800 both days and am feeling really good. Except my thighs and abs are in alot of pain.